I read this heading yesterday and thought, “Nah….we have sex ‘x’ amount of times a week, we’re doing fine!” But as I began to read through the article, it made me wonder if my husband felt the same way? Was he getting as much as he wanted?
I can pinpoint at what points in our 9 year relationship our sex lives were in a slump. (Yes, even Pure Romance girls have slumps!) Those were the times when we fought the most, were more dissatisfied with our lives and were just generally more irritable. I kind of knew that this seemed to get better after we’d had sex, but really didn’t put enough importance on the connection. My husband and I have been through a LOT in our time together. Loss of a job, unexpected death of both of my parents days apart for unrelated causes, a new baby, a big move to another part of the country where we knew no one and didn’t have jobs waiting for us and so much more. Then there are the everyday little things - kids, jobs, bills, Kung Fu, birthday parties, etc., etc., etc. We hear all the time that we need to make exercise a priority, but what about sex? What would you think if someone said to you, “You need to have sex at least 4 days-a-week to be healthy.” Now that’s just a random number because, just like the article said, if two people are both happy with ABC sex (anniversary, birthday and Christmas), than that is fine for them. As long as they are in agreement - that works for them. But often that’s not the case.
Michele Weiner-Davis says:
“Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. When it’s good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy and a sense of partnership. It defines their relationship as different from all others. In short, sex is a powerful tie that binds.”
“Sex experts estimate that one out of every three couples struggles with mismatched sexual desire; one spouse is hot when the other is not. Because of advancements in medical and psychological libido-boosting alternatives available to those whose desire has waned, bridging the desire gap should, in theory, be a simple endeavor. Unfortunately, it’s anything but. That’s because millions of people with low desire are simply not concerned about or troubled by their lack of interest in sex. Nor are they particularly motivated to do much about it. Just ask their spouses!”
“Being complacent about ho-hum sex is a formula for marital disaster. When one spouse is sexually dissatisfied and the other is oblivious, unconcerned or uncaring, sex isn’t the only casualty; intimacy on every level becomes non-existent. Spouses stop touching affectionately, having meaningful talks, laughing at each other’s jokes, or connecting emotionally. They become like two ships passing in the night. Infidelity and divorce become all too real threats.”
So what do we do? It. That’s what we do. Most people feel like they need the feelings to be there - the desire and arousal - before they can have sex. But there are people that need the physical contact FIRST before they can have that desire. Catch 22 right? That’s why that even though it may take the ’spontaneity’ out of it, planned intimacy can be helpful. It’s better than no intimacy right? Often after you begin touching, kissing, laughing and just relax and pay attention to one another, those feelings will come back. I know that my husband has tried to give me a kiss before as I was running around like crazy trying to cook dinner, make phone calls, take care of something the 3 year old wanted and probably nine other things and I’ve given him a quick peck as I ran…or rather tried to run…by. He will grab me and make me pause and pay attention for just a minute, less than a minute, and that can mean a lot. We all need to slow down just a little and pay attention to ourselves and our partners.
Read the full article - better yet, buy the book. Consider it preemptive measures.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/sex_quiz.htm
Then take the Great American Sex Challenge:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/sex_challenge.htm
Dare ya ;-)
