Why some women struggle with orgasms.

75% of men and only 29% of women always have orgasms with their partner. There are many reasons that women have trouble reaching orgasms, with stress and anxiety being at the top of that list. Not just life stress, but actually worrying about whether or not they are going to reach orgasm can keep you from having one!

Believe it or not, having an orgasm can take practice. (Ah, darn, right?) It’s not something that someone can simply say, “Do this and it will absolutely happen.” While there are some tips that we can give one another about what works for us, it’s an entirely individual feeling and path to getting there. People vary so widely in what gives them sexual pleasure that there is no ‘normal’ or ‘right’ way to do things. If you think so, you are sadly limiting your experiences.
There’s only one way to explore what feels good to you - simply by doing it! Take some time either alone or with your partner and experiment with all the areas of your body. Try a vibrator and place it in different areas of your genital region to experience the different sensations you get. The clitoris has legs - 3 inches on either side of your vaginal opening - basically like a wrap-around porch! For some women, the exposed area of the clitoris just above her urethra opening is too sensitive to stimulate directly so placing a steady vibration to the side of it or on the ‘legs’ can be more comfortable.

For some women, the strong feelings that can accompany the onset of an orgasm can be overwhelming. The ‘loss of control’ can cause them to be anxious and lose the feelings. Try to remember to relax and enjoy the moment. Experimenting alone can help you feel more comfortable with letting yourself go without having to worry about a partner’s reaction or whether you’re ‘getting there fast enough’. Sometimes we feel pressured to ‘hurry up’ as he is doing his best to prolong his own orgasm. This much thinking going on is never a good thing during sex :) Orgasms definitely are an excellent end result, but getting there is half the fun! Being in the moment is the best way to actually get the result you want.
There are certainly ways to help things along a little as well. As I mentioned earlier, using a vibrator is the most common means of adding that steady sensation that is often necessary for many of us. The great thing about vibrators are there are so many different kinds and speeds. Clitoral vibes are just that…used strictly for clitoral stimulation either alone or with a partner. You hold it in your hand and place it in those spots you found that you liked that we talked about or for extra fun, let your partner find the spots with you! It’s very erotic to give someone pleasure and watch them while you do so. There are also G-spot vibes and dual action vibrators. Dual action are those that have a shaft as well as a clitoral vibrator and G-spot is of course for the G-spot.

Now the G-spot is a whole other thing that I’ll talk more about later. I hear all the time at parties that women want to find their G-spots and have a G-spot orgasm. It’s become so talked about that women are now feeling pressure to have these supposedly bigger, better orgasms! First of all, if you’re reading this and already having any trouble having a clitoral orgasm, don’t jump into the deep end of the pool just yet. The G-spot is, in my opinion, highly overrated. I don’t say this because it’s my personal experience, I say this because what the heck is wrong with the clitoral orgasm?! Also, for some women, stimulating the G-spot is NOT pleasurable and for some, the orgasm they finally may get from it is not that different or necessarily better than any others they’ve had. Again, everyone is entirely different….in a BIG way. But, while it certainly should be on the map of points of exploration, don’t make it the Holy Grail. I will talk more about finding your G-spot in a later post, though. (I promise not to take so long to write again!)

Another fantastic bedroom ‘accessory’ are heighteners. I talked about these before in my libido post, but they truly can change the whole game! You know how you might see a bowl of vanilla ice cream and you think, “Mmm…that looks good.” Then someone adds cookie dough to it and syrup and whipped cream and….well you get the idea. It’s a whole other dessert now, right? That’s what heighteners do. Suddenly that ice cream is irresistable! And you don’t want just one scoop…you want two and three, maybe even four scoups!

I got a little carried away there…but I really am fond of my Xscream ;-) We carry a book called ‘Tickle Her Fancy’ that is an excellent resource for women to learn more about herself, how her body works, about using toys for the first time, how to introduce them to the bedroom and more. And of course I am always happy to speak with you about any questions you have and make recommendations. Email me at pamloveland@pureromance.com or call/text 919-949-5208.